Change The Calendar

Resolutions have always been a part of the traditional way to begin a new year. So many resolutions and so many regrets at the end of the year for broken promises... just like the guilt trips we take in life itself. Promises! like marriage itself is and experience... some manage to keep and for others it is only an experience... slightly empty.

However, there is one resolution that I take year after year after year and that is to not change one bit. Too complacent I suppose. If thats the way to be that way be it. Period!

Yesterday I just sent across one paper presented in Gujarat for publishing after it got selected for the same and I was happy that a paper got presented and later published at the international circuit... however, then pops 3 reminders for 3 more papers to be done. Arun needs his modules and she needs her research outline... all these elementary yet when you are obsessed with perfection every little thing takes time. Its like eating out at a fast food and choosing fine dining... the difference being 'class'.

o.k now I have to go to the beach house... supposed to be a family get together at the beach. Maybe I can get my workout there... oh! was that a secret resolution?!

Bottomline: Every new year one celebrates, be it a birthday or the change of a calendar, is just a reminder that one is moving a step closer to the grave.

Again?!

Tomorrow I am going about doing what I promised myself I would never do... one more thing, one more time and one more broken promise to myself. Why is it that I do not respect the promises I make to myself as much as I respect the promises I make others?! Duh! O.K... I am doing the road trip again... the trip that brought forth the deadliest hours of loneliness in the 24hr straight drive last time I drove from k.k to this magnificiently transcluent, carbon- free, pests-infested abode of mine.

This time it bothers me as I am going to my place for a long time. Almost 20 days to be precise and it fucking bothers me. Can't be in that place for more than 3 days and will I survive the thresh?! Already I have plans to be everywhere and attempt thus to be nowhere and I am all messed up and just want to ride all this distance... actually I am getting the road maps. It took me 24hours last time and this time I want to make it in 14. Its a mental challenge yet want to try.

The roads are long and it will be dark when I would be even half way through and honestly... I do not know the route and at night who the fuck is going to be up to show me directions?! yet it move... will move. Arun's Vantage is to be inauguarated and he wants me there... just got the invitation. Didn't like the logo that much as its got a nike symbol in the 't' and it made me feel a little villagish... however, nike is a Greek God for victory and I digested the disbelief thus.

It was nice of him to call his Grandmother to light the lamp and he has some how managed to get all the big shots in. Pretty good! However, I miss Marcus and I want to spend some time with him. There are people I want to meet... only for a while and many I don't want to come across. God give me the strength to bear them or legalize killing...

Bottomline: Wish someone was besides...

The Turmoil of Truth

Education hardly solves any issue... infact it only doubles it. Often we learn that somethings are supposed to work in a particular way and if doesn't, there is another theory to explain why it didn't. Unlearning is mastery of a paradox; an unlimited scope to revisit and reflect upon experience.

The strangest myths are often unpredictably broken by silence when an erupting soul refuses to accept lies that hovers over the surface refusing to let it emerge. The mythically plundering soul however, rests sleeplessly between the unknown faith lying helplessly, brooding over an illusion of clouded reality and truth-which is always lies told the way you wish others to know... from all these emerges the thought of breaking free. Breaking free for once. Breaking free from fake unrealities and misguiding principles that entwine over morale and values conveniently twisted. Breaking free for once before we die.

What is the truth we hold? What are the lies we dispell? What is the genuiness of the justice mystified? What is the need for all the pomp and luxury?

This is when class steps in to show that most of the complications can be done away with if and only if the desire to manifest the self surrounded with objects unknown to show the difference can be negated by adopting to nothingness and live sans difficulty, with ease as if nothing is required... nothingness completes and that is the beginning and so is the end. The turmoil of loss is managed more by class than by experience.

Bottomline: “Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”-Buddha

Whats Happening?!...

There has always been emerging conflicts that have shaken me at the roots... however, the recent one faced unlike any other time, involves too many people and along comes the emotions they carry, they only know.

The most interesting things in life is not the picture of a completed kiss yet a kiss that is yet to touch the lover's lips... the tension of the connection and the pandora's box that opens around it contemplating the impossibilities that surround it as well.

How ruining situations around us can be! Duh! Life is sometimes too strenuous to live on the ground. The 6-feet-down under seems more inviting. At times just perishing sans trace is more welcoming too. The perfect death seems too boring at the moment... there can be no better way to die than die like it was an endeavour worth looking forward too.

Thanatos is a drive that makes people accomplish something and that drive seems to be driving me at the moment. The eros is blatant... even eros seems to be crowded by thanatos. Feel like playing the Rudra Veena with every vein splurging out the blood in its deepest red... drip by drip dripping the blood, slitting the veins, splitting the nerves and splashing and giving around all the skin, all the flesh and all the blood the world wants to suck out of you... for them to splurge... let them splurge. There is nothing they can take when it is all that I want and have to give...

The eventful match, the unexpected twists and the acknowledged turns... the mythical mysteries nothing too profound yet the vulnerability of the soul too often optimized for the profit of others than my very own. Its ideal to give in to the temptation of others that need to be fulfilled rather than have a dream of my very own. Dreams are too expensive just as anger is a luxury... the dreamer rests and anger triumphs again... yet again... this time more subtle and coiling for the strike than for pensive solace.

Bottomline: Truth be it that I am offended...

Turn After Turn

Things are taking an interesting turn during the recent past that can be written in to the most beautiful book that often emerges out of the author's grave. Assault to my soul and the need for sublime acceptance of whats happening and keeping them all under subtle cover, hiding beneath a turmoil of self-rendered torture... know what,... I can keep going on like a writer in full swing yet I chose to retain my calm and maintain that highly beneficial silence at the moment for the best interest of all; lest i sway.

Can kill a Man only once... right? Can't kill a dead Man over and over again... right? Then if I may ask, 'if Lord it is not mine and was never meant to be, then why and from where this desire?...'

Somehow, the way of punishing is so different in the hands of the good God above. It just not scars the mind yet also kills the soul. This is even harder when you have to live to see yourself die.

Bottomline: However, life is such and such is life... so be it...

The Coiling Female Sexuality

Today I read a passage from a book on female sexuality and it was quite interesting. A woman has written about trans-sexual energy and the coitus that follows... the path she has to take and the past she has to let go before experiencing the shiverring, spine chilling experience of an orgasm so very inhuman. There is the mentioning of a energy wave that flows and fills the room, noticable by everyone and predictably to everyone's envy. The experience she claims, is very trans sexual and extremely spiritual making 'SEX' a Sacred-EXpression of love. It struck a chord in me as I am someone who believes in the energy as well.

After the spiritual experience where the woMan feels like a goddess before, during and after making love, she tries to have sex as mortals do and finds the experience unworthy-both for her partner as well as herself. Struck a chord again. However, what is this energy that overwhelms some, unknown to plenty? Is it an experience describable? or should it be left in the realms of 'thathuvumasi'?

Its a spiritual search to connect I believe. The trinity that connects... truth, love and simplicity. The mutual bond that is created, realized and celebrated. The energy that moves with every wave of the body, the body itself moving and arching like a snake-a snake in perfect motion, coiling with a flow, a humble submission than a learnt feeling of frantic humiliation. The offering of complete vulnerability. The beauty of surrendering the soul with no barriers or shame. The emergence of a rekindled soul, glowing with an experience of an enlightened height of ecstacy and euphoria.

The wild passion mixed with the comfort of space and time. The truth that everyone begs to find and the love that most would live or die for, in the simple embrace of the lover. She becomes her and she becomes him.

Bottomline: Very few are rendered to see the collision of the moon and the sun

Whats Happening?!

This week in class was a wonderful experience with a lot of showering questions... some are as follows:

Sexwork is still not legalized in India and it is an offence under IPC if prostitution is carried on. How come Police do not take any action on NGOs who work for the welfare of WIPs? Aren't the NGOs inderectly supporting something illegal and aren't the Police not doing their duty?

Which Ministry or Department in GOI will take responsibility in legalizing or licensing sex as a trade just as they have done in Thailand, Amsterdam etc., as has been asked for for a very long time?

If a group of wandering children were called 'Harijans' a.k.a 'children of God' by Gandhiji as they were children who did not have an identity and claimed to be so being born of a Devadassi and a Temple Priest (a Brahmin) and later referred to as 'Dalits; by Dr. B.R.A and now categorized under SC/ST by the Constitution are being treated as 'the untouchables' by the very own Brahmins who seeded them, isn't that ironical?!

If some of the people in the existing caste system in India feel that it is wrong to touch or come in contact with some people who they claim to be 'untouchables' and they refrain to a safe distance from human contact, who are the real 'untouchables'?! Wouldn't that name better suit the ones who refuse to be touched?

In a Welfare State like India, how is it that in states like Tamil Nadu, Education is privatized and the sale of alcohol is the Government's job?!

When we worry about racism happening abroad, why don't we do anything about the existing casteism within?

Why is there a system of multiple taxation in India?

Why is there a system of multiple Government in India?

Bottomline: Why is India yet to shine?!

A fool in Love

There are times when the mind is galloping at a pace that your body cant catch up to and vice versa... probably because there is no tryst or rather the mission is endured sans the soul. However, this is the state I am in and perhaps remain par contra. Something seems missing and something seems out of place; either its me or easier to blame the tryst or nevertheless-the absence of the trinity.

Long time ago a wise sage once told me that it would never be possible for a woman to reach godliness as their aspirations are grounded in a vain attempt to match Men who they wish to match upto; when Men on the other hand have nothing to compare themselves to and are on their path towards spirituality. Made sense as why at an older age, some Men rest in peace amidst aspiring, tantrum-throwing bourgeois women of their own age.

All that woman wants is wants. Want after want after another want... and all that a Man wants is a woman... and along comes with that package-the need to shoulder all her wants and cribbing and nagging till one want is fullfilled after the other.

Yesterday, somewhere around midnight, I was awakened by a sudden-unexpected visitor, one of my friends, who recently "fell in love" with one of the chicks around. This guy thought ('thought' being underlined and emphasized) that life was easy for him now once agin thinking that he found his soul mate atlast. As usual I was looking for that illusion to shatter. Often that nagging and 'where are you?', 'who are you with?', 'when will you be back?', 'why so long?', 'what are you doing?','why do you have a dog?', 'why can't you kill your mother?'... blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah... sort of nagging that every woman resorts to started and I knew the ditch near the bitch was near!

These crazy females can never learn to shut their mouth. Think they never taught them to do that in their planet. Maybe thats why they need to be fed with something all the time to keep their dirty, big, squandering, moth-infested, halitosis-spreading disgusting mouths shut.

Then suddenly when this guy came in, he had a long face. He came in with an SOS. This cranky slut had sent him an SMS giving him an idea that her image would be lost if anyone found her hanging out with him (this guy supposedly is an 'untouchable' so say the actual untouchables)... as if she didn't think about it before beginning her slut business. At the end of the day, he fell asleep thinking about her-disappointed and dejected. Poor guy I felt... the first death is painful and after a while, the ghost just gets used to dying too often.

Bottomline: "Can't kill a dead Man twice... can we?"

Chanting the Cry

There is something that I noticed recently. The reason to chant. There is this guy who introduces himself as someone who has a lot of influence with people and matters relating to religion. Though a good friend of mine whose feelings I do respect, personally, I do not contain myself in shackles of religion. However, there came a point when he tried to tell me something that he wanted me not to do and as usual, I did not quite appreciate someone who had the nerve to tell me what to do and what not to. So I had to ask him to mind his own business and let the decisions I need to make be mine. Saying that, I was carrying on with my work and suddenly I hear humming of some strange kind. This guy was sitting in his lotus position and chanting mantras! Duh! Was he trying to intimidate me? Or maybe wanted to remind me that he is somebody who realms in power everyone sees and very few oversee. Or could it be that he was trying to find his own space to come clear off that disturbed peace by walking off into his world of surreal fantasy?! However, I was trying to smile with these thoughts.

Then came a situation when we had to rush in to oversee the rescue attempt of a few labourers who got trapped in a landslide. Interestingly the situation was more complicated than we expected; to find that the landslide was more man-made than natural. This situation arose not due to negligence yet due to complete submission by the so called “engineers” who worked around a heap of loose mud to keep a tree intact and went about building a structure around it commissioned to do so by one of the unquestionable high priests from a religious pact. 2 died. Still more awaiting the same destiny… though none still can refute the foolishness of the structure. Is it the poverty of the victims that makes silencing their cry so easy?

The self-acclaimed and often accepted power of this religious clan makes me wonder if other’s life is so easy to be taken for granted and easily coverable under chants which many do not understand. These are unsaid stories that will remain unsaid. The victims of these overt thinkers who profess their world of fantasies which they proclaim capable of seeing so blatantly misguided and taken for a ride… which by the by, they seem to enjoy. So who cares?! Power does play its rounds so well.

Bottomline: This land where I live is a land where someone said “Even if thou reavelth thy third eye, thy mistake shall be a mistake”

Is There Something There?!

The Messiah of hope they call the one who brings forth the NEWS of hope, despair and cluttered mixture of joy and happiness. The Messiah they make, at times pushed to the spiritual realms of a mystery, a euphoria, an ecstasy and a charisma dispelling; as if foretold. The mortals deny the free flow of the intellect to shatter this deliberated elevation. At times its just that sheeps always need a shephard. Nevertheless, most foxes hide beneath a sheep's skin.

The vain attempt to hide a morbid fear, the depth of the unknown treaded upon; from the howling beast to the blinding mist, an image emerges to stir the soul of the deepest fears the dark beholds. The imagination running wild, the mind as deep and dense as the ocean, now clouded with interepted thoughts, contemplating the presence of something so metaphysical in such a surreal world.

The light shatters this mystery though so does truth. Yet when its the truth that is in question of being hidden what can immortals expect more?! Science realms till the point of defining the energy that runs the world and every flora and fauna that exists in it and not a point after that, clouding the word 'energy' itself into another cloud of mystery that the spiritual world interrupts to interpret in its own way. Religion thus capitalizing on it.

Foolish mongrels who stray like lost pigs in a dense cloud of rich sty, slaving their bodies to rush from one temple to another except within. The world revolves and revolves as it will yet the ones who expect it to revolve around them will make people believe that it sure does as long as the doors of the paradise of fools remains unshut with the traffic of the waiting crowd of seekers of destiny in freewill.

Bottomline: Religion is an opium of fools and everyone rushes in with pots full and minds empty