Friday, November 23, 2012

A Moment Of Sanity

Today, someone gave me a bunch of his visiting cards and asked me to distribute it and spread his fame during an event. After a while, someone asked me to bring what I had written voluntarily in a random paper, re-written in a white sheet because supposedly that is how he wanted it. Someone guided me through GPS, and the other through his thoughts and yet another by matter of opinion... and everyone wondered why I could not ask for directions as I was cluelessly stuck in the middle of a traffic jam and all I wanted was help. I wondered and I couldn't help but wonder... When was the last time I was treated this bad? When was the last time I took all these bent down? When was the last time I would let anyone get away with an attempt to tune me? When was the last time I was this small? When was the last time I felt so wasted and worthless? When was the last time I felt so dead with humiliation that it did not matter that it was happening over and over again? When was the last time no one noticed?  

As I sat through some powerful words of great wisdom (and a really boring one,) shattering the bass speakers, it seems like words make no sense to me anymore. Words are huge and burdening and the actions so few. Last evening I sat listening to people unhappy about the lack of depth of the swimming pool in their appartment and today I listened to a young man who has just moved in to work at the same place whose wife had miscarried twice earlier this year mention that he has found a house to settle but with no toilet... but he was happy; happy that atleast his wife and he could be together.

What can I do? Here I am sobbing within, unable to cry. I almost choked on my way back... during that long drive. I stopped at the cafe. The young person at the counter served me what I asked without sulking. He brought me what I needed packed nicely in brown covers (noone even cared to remember the 2 of us held in an assignment who didn't have anything to eat since morning as they were busy having their plates filled...) noone cared as they got busy once gain hurrying back to listen to lectures on salvation, goodness and the glory of God. This person now at the counter seemed to care. The only one who seemed to care I witnessed the entire day. I tipped him. Tipped him more than I should and everything I could (one of my moments of sheer madness.) And he stood there without a blink and looked at me questioningly wondering if I had made a mistake. I patted him and said, "Thank you." He must have thought I was insane; little did he realize that that was the only sane moment I had had the entire day.  


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