Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Rationalizing Disconcern

For the past few months, I have been trying to gear down and have a grip over life; nevertheless, eventually, life seems to have its grip over me. Seemingly said words of encouragement mean nothing at times of despair. Everyone bothered within their own circle have no ears to listen to others who wail at the outside; ‘self obsession’ seems to be the nomenclature. Though not to be blamed. Everyone’s need his own; seldom does another know nor does bother to the pains of another. Everyone’s burden his own to carry.

A friend of mine tries to find a job to feed his family yet won’t let go his need to impress others and deliberates himself into hopeless, compulsive spending in the name of rituals-just to show the world that he too shares a part in this endless drama. How long?! I wonder.

Another friend, a mother of two, who lost her husband recently, likes to be buried in troubles that came along with the death and finds herself oft in loathsome misery trying to fight living ghosts in courtrooms over properties that are said to be rightfully hers. Till when?! I wonder.

Then there is this girl my cousin cheated succumbing to parental pressure, hoping to be their “laadla” forever and ever, after giving her high hopes of a nuptial knot. Hobson’s choice, you see, is one strange thing and the more idiotic you are, the easier the choice. And as most stories of these nuptial knots go, this too seems to be a Gordian knot that seems to have spun a hangman’s noose around this girl’s neck as the blunt impact of the episode seems only too visible with her every move ever since. On the other hand, the boy seems to be working longer hours to hide from this guilt (good for the company he works for) as his folks and his ever-loving sister (the actual spoil sport in this whole episode) once again try to engage themselves in a fake bridal hunt for one more victim. “Hey girls and parents of girls, who have advertised your kick-outs in matrimonial, watch out! The big bad wolves are here and your little red riding hoods may be taken for a ride too.” How many more like this?! I wonder. 

Then comes my own story… clueless and waiting for a confirmation that seems to be the end of the road to an interview process that started on the 25th of May’ 2012. Turn after turn of interviews and reference checks to see if this stranger is trust worthy and round after round of excruciating waiting till this point of time. Finally was called in to join on the 31st of last month (August’ 2012) only to be informed that the waiting needs to be extended. By this time foolish me, wound up all work at hand, shifted family and even started moving things from home to the promising wonderland to report to work when beckoned. We even had our second child in the meantime. Nothing was enjoyable as everything seems to be resting on this new found hope of a job. Now, 6 eyes stare blank at me with hope, probably trust, most probably faith as I squat like a useless, good-for-nothing, dying dog unable to face those stares and find myself staring as well into the open heavens with blind faith-my very own. The only possible mistake I have done is follow the lead and make myself available like a loyal woof. Every bit of delay and every day of waiting seems like a life time to me. It is almost like tying a noose around my neck to a newly planted tree, watering it and waiting for it to grow. Do those in the organization even know what I am going through? Most probably “No.” For them I am on the outside circle and they probably have issues their very own.

With problems my very own, how do I even find the energy, sensitivity and empathy required to feel the suffering of others in a circle outside my own? My burden by itself is too heavy for me to carry and my burden is my own to carry… now how can one expect me to carry their burdens too? Not at this moment atleast.

Sometimes I wonder too if people can be as insensitive and ruthless with the lives of others involved and everything and anything they do in the name of survival be accepted as justified?! May be so. After all every man knows best, the lessons he has learnt to do what he does, no matter how much it bothers the ones watching silently in astound surprise from the outside circle. C’est la vie and so are its people.      


Vijay Shenoy said...

Good one... keep them coming

VST said...

@Vijay: Well stories worth reading I suppose do emerge from suffering and pain...