Says Who?!...

The 'utopia' is something that has nudged me into complex circles these days. The utopia, what can I say not about that? Utopia! something that everyone yearns for yet fear to go near. Its always an ever present scenario that we always like others to follow something that we profess that seldom we ourselves dare to venture.

Not a long time ago, I remember a friend from Canada who mentioned that she realized that she was brown only when someone showed signs of remorse via discrimination towards her. The inherent barbaric tendency and ability to discriminate comes so easily for the human species. Wish the often tabloid'ed aliens abduct this genre and keeps them far far away from the rest of us. Sometimes, we can sit, wait and wish for the utopia to emerge or, stand, move and make the change.

'Never hunt something you can't kill' used to be a hunter's golden rule. In a state of wonder I wander in my connecting thoughts of all these disconnects. Ironically the one's who labelled other fellow humans as "untouchables" went so far that no one went close to them that they be touched and made untouchables of the ones who set forth to name others so. Today, who is the untouchable?! The world spins and that is the basic truth. What goes around, comes around and what goes up, comes down and there is always reaction to every action.

Time and tide waits for none and at the end of the day, no man (nor woman) is too great for the soil waiting to devour them whole. The more one gathers, the more one leaves behind... the basic truth yet again. Again, we shall choose to live as if we are immortals; trying to cover up every dying cell and tissue with whatever science tries to provide avoiding and preferring to deny the fact that we are only decaying bodies alive.

There are more people dead than ever, who don't have a single nerve or a spine to stand up for something that is right. Fear! What would they do if they have no fear and do something sans guilt? Probably do the right thing I suppose. No wonder the Earth is composed of everything that is not right these days.

Taking the higher road, like the one I am with says, we shall move on and wait for the others around to grow up.

Bottomline: "One day our descendants will think it incredible that we paid so much attention to things like the amount of melanin in our skin or the shape of our eyes or our gender instead of the unique identities of each of us as complex human beings." Franklin Thomas

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

"It is often easier to become outraged by injustice half a world away than by oppression and discrimination half a block from home.” Carl T. Rowan

The Significant Stop!

The open confession to begin with, I do not appreciate pro-government nor pro-military notes and do not render my support in any form to these congested, worm-infested, greed-creeped, manipulative divine hole of son's and daughters (now they have 33% reservation too) of the 'feminine form of the loyal creature'. Journalists and media seem to be so anti-people too these days yet somehow, somebody, somewhere manages to break these miserable assumptions trying to blanket-cover people into rendering them into misinterpretations and lobbying misguided point of views; thus sabotage brain cells of the common mass they care the least about. Often I wonder why pro-people, pro-environment friendly, pro-cultural and traditional safeguards of the society get sidelined and victimized as terrorists. Constitution was the biggest enemy to these souls who were free to live life their way till then. With the right to vote granted, lost was their right to self-respect, dignity and right to live above all. This comes with the tribals, often referred to as the 'uncivilized mass' who need to be "civilized" and make them come into the 'main stream' of "development" in whatever definition we choose to give these terms.

People are lost and people are trained to kill.... in the military and by the people. Now who is the victim?! Think about it... both are! Then the benefactor?! Uncle West and the government babus who run to fetch the morsels strewn at them for being the pimp in between to help them clear jungle territory, flora and fauna dear to those who live and those who live in there and every one who comes in between... all for making way for mines which by the by gets labelled as 'civilization measures'... actually thinking about it, they actually erect hospitals (specialized) as part of their "Corporate Social Responsibility" activity which by the by would not be required if their malicious projects were not sanctioned in the first place and our people safeguarded instead of providing hospitality to alien uncles and aunties... we were always a rich man's slave and slave to anything with a white skin... weren't we?! The reminiscence of licker's of the white man's thrash. The Media, Journalists and Social Workers often becoming a part of the pseudo-welfare measures... after all we are fools too.

Why do we kill our own to feed a breed that does not bother? Why are we a breed that don't bother? Why do we we even breed?

Dog eat dog world this. Heads want to demoralize, demotivate and snub the growth of the so called "team members". From where do they come? Why come at all? How long will people survive on these pseudo-pretentious faking?! If I were to belive that truth alone triumphs, then why bother about these lying, scandalous games people play? "Why bother" more effectively applies here I suppose. Respect is something that exists only till a point I decide to give. After that... who the fcuk cares dear?!

Bottomline: When the lofty boss walks, the humble pagan knows very well and 'that' he knows way too well how to humbly bow and silently fart

Tell Me Why?...

From when wilt thou return

from the mountain dews?

From those high peaks that rub my imagination through.

Where oft doth thou disappear

from a fragile trail of foot prints that reappear?

From where the frantic cries of the reaper submerge dies.

What hath thou so wonderfully witnessed

from a town so tinsel lies?

From where the condemnation forked displayed.

When thou art gone

for what must I still low lie?

From whereever, tell me how, tell me now, tell me why?

Bottomline: “The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” Mother Teresa

From the Mind to the Heart...

Ruthless summer scorching the winds that blow,

From deep within, from the abyss of the mind, begins a scorching even more.

The volcano of thoughts boiling the ground below, that moment of calm before the storm.

The waves of the ocean too mellow they sound yet the depths of the mystery they so profoundly do hide.

In wellness and mystic calm, there is a tension uprising;

waiting for the emotions to get a definite form.

The molten lava that soon will flow and sure it will wait for none or spare none who fall that way,

such is anger and such is anger divine with knuckles buckling with each clench, teeth grinding with each blow endured, and the smell of blood mixing so well with sweat for the pain borne.

A reminder that some reasons matter no more for the brunt comes from a crux of essence undisclosed, so passive and vivid now that the one that bears is lost in the faint reminder of the trance that life has led itself into.

What makes people think that by birth they are given the slot they stick their arses to?

What insecurity makes them kick the one's that climb?

What prevents them from enjoying the fight?

What stops them from dropping a helping hand than nuzzling the neck with their heavy boots?

When will this crushing be over?

When will they ever learn that life is simple and we live it just once?

Fate and Karma are just one over-hyped bullshit to soothe the heart and to reinstall that mortals are immortal... when will they that behest the chance and blame it on fate and karma ever see that the heart doth ruleth the world and seldom the mind and the distance between both the longest one oft travels.

Bottomline: Give me the money that has been spent in war and I will clothe every man, woman, and child in an attire of which kings and queens will be proud. I will build a schoolhouse in every valley over the whole earth. I will crown every hillside with a place of worship consecrated to peace. ~Charles Sumner

Defending A Lie

Over the last week, after the glorious return from the mountain tops, as if to ruin the lifted spirits, a son of a bitch inspires me with lies and expects me to defend. Can anyone understand how difficult it is to defend lies than prove truth?! Its like having to prove that unicorns don't exist... how do I do that?!

This a-hole drops in from God's own country known for stabbing people on their backs and does the same with moi. Thanks buddy! The issue errupted because I confronted him directly Man to Man... the problem was it took me a while to realize that some fellows sprout hair even after castration. This fcuker actually cried during the confrontation! hahaha... The sobber's trails leads to the comforting demands he sets forth at his HoD's table, later the Dean's and a sequence of inter-departmental meetings that followed. Duh! More ass-kissing and ass-wiping for that son of a bitch.

However, it irritated me, not quite angered. The one thing I long for is to fight a real enemy and these fcukers spoil the sport. Too many people have offered me the courtesy of fighting for real and fighting for a cause... the fight that errupts the soul within and troubles your sleep and refreshes you with a cause to wake up for, sharpen your swords and fight once again... and now this trivial a-hole wants someone to wipe his tears?! "Grow up! or shoo shoo go get Papa the bone (bitchy mutt)!" At the end of the day, a Manz gotto do what a Manz gotto do! So haven't slipped him from my scope yet it moves...

Bottomline: "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." Oscar Wilde

Take Me Home...

For almost the past 3 decades I have seen this place... a small town, drenched with middle class values, crowded with people who know you or expect you to know them. Can't change a few things around us like the folks one is born to and the colour of the skin. Think about it, though born into one religion, one can eventually choose a religion or a spiritual line best suited for oneself... people knew it and thats why they brought in the concept of tribe and caste to keep us pinned to the floor or the sky and managed to keep some dangling in between. Then the one's who braved to surpass that too climbed the class ladder denying the virtue deemed upon them. At the end of the day, my nest, though unacceptable, seems to be this small town which I am neither able to deny nor adjust too... Yeah, my identity rests here yet I am a citizen of the world.

Having travelled quite a bit, I often have felt that this small town though nauseating, is the safest abode on Earth. No one bothers you unless you bother them. WoMen don't roam around like lost souls or diggers for male company on the streets once the street lights are on and it still is obvious. Oh by the by, woMen don't let their hair loose too... supposed to be "prostitutes" who don't tie their hair. The little shackles and those little tin shops have not changed, the people working there have not changed and they still recognize me and welcome me just as they did when I used to be there during my younger days... they surprized me by asking about my friends too. There is a shop I went to have parattas yesterday and I remember the guy who makes them who killed a rowdy in that area when I was in school... he is still there and still makes the parattas... everything seems the same.

Now the issue is that nothing changes. Nothing changes even for good. Now thats the issue. People hoard... money, jewels and land. Territorial I suppose. People are critics or snubbers of criticism rendered upon them... the others in between are treated as inbetweens (eunuchs).

Here, the grass is clean, the mountains really tense, the valleys really deep, the water crystal clear and pure, the beaches soft, the waves gushing and the rains frequent... a metaphor to the emotions of the people here as well.

Much can be said about this place... however, I am glad that I atleast have a nest and an identity that comes along with it. A place where one can be lonely in a crowd and feel dense even when alone. It heals as much as it inflicts pain. Where do I run away to from here? Where to? Have tried it several times only to return with humility over and over again.

Bottomline: "When you finally go back to your hometown, you find out it wasn't the old hometown you missed but your childhood" Sam Ewing

Bring Them On

These days I see really young people getting married. Do they know the 'committment' factor in it? Are they aware of the sacrifices, compromises and accomodation in perspective? From where the guts? Are they ready? Is it just a license for desperates for sex? or is it just an awaiting experience? whatever...

The problem for me is the comfort that people reach when with someone they are with... so comfortable that they no more take care of their body, become evidently clumsy and so obviously boring. What did they expect?! The other to be with them sans being with someone else too (a.k.a "cheating")? when women they are with become pathetically stinky, filthy and pms'ing 24/7... Wow! great expectation.

Marriage-a life style? a committment? a burden? a headache? an adventure? an experience? whatever...

Recently when one of my cousins refused a girl his parents were trying to fix for him, people asked me whether he was impotent... hahaha! the next unavoidable question when I asked them to find it out themselves, was whether he was gay. Just as I was wondering if people missed expecting him to have some kind of STI, attempts were made to save the girl's face by telling my cousin that she had refused him first. The thing was that she 'was' a very attractive lady I had known earlier, she thought so too and took it to her head too... that being the sad twist of being rejected at this stage. However, everything upright sags as the skin shrinks and there shatters the ego when one gets only the second or the last look. Come on, even old actresses, once cabret dream stalkers and beauty queens die lonely when old.

Recently I was telling one very beautiful woman how men tend to screen a woman's hair to assess her unseen neatness, hygiene and cleanliness... split ends, dandruff and hair fall ofcourse a justified cause for worry. For many men, the scent of a woman can be a total turn off just as much as it can turn them on non-stop. Some times undone underarms, unwaxed legs and sprouting moush-a classical hint of too much comfort mentioned earlier-a dangerous gamble often a pitfall.

Some men just put up with this mess of a woman sans feeling that she does so because she has taken him for granted; and living they sure do in that illusion... afterall everyone wears a mask. whatever...

Bottomline: Life is just once... why not make it worth living?!

Again?!

Tomorrow I am going about doing what I promised myself I would never do... one more thing, one more time and one more broken promise to myself. Why is it that I do not respect the promises I make to myself as much as I respect the promises I make others?! Duh! O.K... I am doing the road trip again... the trip that brought forth the deadliest hours of loneliness in the 24hr straight drive last time I drove from k.k to this magnificiently transcluent, carbon- free, pests-infested abode of mine.

This time it bothers me as I am going to my place for a long time. Almost 20 days to be precise and it fucking bothers me. Can't be in that place for more than 3 days and will I survive the thresh?! Already I have plans to be everywhere and attempt thus to be nowhere and I am all messed up and just want to ride all this distance... actually I am getting the road maps. It took me 24hours last time and this time I want to make it in 14. Its a mental challenge yet want to try.

The roads are long and it will be dark when I would be even half way through and honestly... I do not know the route and at night who the fuck is going to be up to show me directions?! yet it move... will move. Arun's Vantage is to be inauguarated and he wants me there... just got the invitation. Didn't like the logo that much as its got a nike symbol in the 't' and it made me feel a little villagish... however, nike is a Greek God for victory and I digested the disbelief thus.

It was nice of him to call his Grandmother to light the lamp and he has some how managed to get all the big shots in. Pretty good! However, I miss Marcus and I want to spend some time with him. There are people I want to meet... only for a while and many I don't want to come across. God give me the strength to bear them or legalize killing...

Bottomline: Wish someone was besides...

Whats Happening?!...

There has always been emerging conflicts that have shaken me at the roots... however, the recent one faced unlike any other time, involves too many people and along comes the emotions they carry, they only know.

The most interesting things in life is not the picture of a completed kiss yet a kiss that is yet to touch the lover's lips... the tension of the connection and the pandora's box that opens around it contemplating the impossibilities that surround it as well.

How ruining situations around us can be! Duh! Life is sometimes too strenuous to live on the ground. The 6-feet-down under seems more inviting. At times just perishing sans trace is more welcoming too. The perfect death seems too boring at the moment... there can be no better way to die than die like it was an endeavour worth looking forward too.

Thanatos is a drive that makes people accomplish something and that drive seems to be driving me at the moment. The eros is blatant... even eros seems to be crowded by thanatos. Feel like playing the Rudra Veena with every vein splurging out the blood in its deepest red... drip by drip dripping the blood, slitting the veins, splitting the nerves and splashing and giving around all the skin, all the flesh and all the blood the world wants to suck out of you... for them to splurge... let them splurge. There is nothing they can take when it is all that I want and have to give...

The eventful match, the unexpected twists and the acknowledged turns... the mythical mysteries nothing too profound yet the vulnerability of the soul too often optimized for the profit of others than my very own. Its ideal to give in to the temptation of others that need to be fulfilled rather than have a dream of my very own. Dreams are too expensive just as anger is a luxury... the dreamer rests and anger triumphs again... yet again... this time more subtle and coiling for the strike than for pensive solace.

Bottomline: Truth be it that I am offended...

Turn After Turn

Things are taking an interesting turn during the recent past that can be written in to the most beautiful book that often emerges out of the author's grave. Assault to my soul and the need for sublime acceptance of whats happening and keeping them all under subtle cover, hiding beneath a turmoil of self-rendered torture... know what,... I can keep going on like a writer in full swing yet I chose to retain my calm and maintain that highly beneficial silence at the moment for the best interest of all; lest i sway.

Can kill a Man only once... right? Can't kill a dead Man over and over again... right? Then if I may ask, 'if Lord it is not mine and was never meant to be, then why and from where this desire?...'

Somehow, the way of punishing is so different in the hands of the good God above. It just not scars the mind yet also kills the soul. This is even harder when you have to live to see yourself die.

Bottomline: However, life is such and such is life... so be it...

Whats Happening?!

This week in class was a wonderful experience with a lot of showering questions... some are as follows:

Sexwork is still not legalized in India and it is an offence under IPC if prostitution is carried on. How come Police do not take any action on NGOs who work for the welfare of WIPs? Aren't the NGOs inderectly supporting something illegal and aren't the Police not doing their duty?

Which Ministry or Department in GOI will take responsibility in legalizing or licensing sex as a trade just as they have done in Thailand, Amsterdam etc., as has been asked for for a very long time?

If a group of wandering children were called 'Harijans' a.k.a 'children of God' by Gandhiji as they were children who did not have an identity and claimed to be so being born of a Devadassi and a Temple Priest (a Brahmin) and later referred to as 'Dalits; by Dr. B.R.A and now categorized under SC/ST by the Constitution are being treated as 'the untouchables' by the very own Brahmins who seeded them, isn't that ironical?!

If some of the people in the existing caste system in India feel that it is wrong to touch or come in contact with some people who they claim to be 'untouchables' and they refrain to a safe distance from human contact, who are the real 'untouchables'?! Wouldn't that name better suit the ones who refuse to be touched?

In a Welfare State like India, how is it that in states like Tamil Nadu, Education is privatized and the sale of alcohol is the Government's job?!

When we worry about racism happening abroad, why don't we do anything about the existing casteism within?

Why is there a system of multiple taxation in India?

Why is there a system of multiple Government in India?

Bottomline: Why is India yet to shine?!

A fool in Love

There are times when the mind is galloping at a pace that your body cant catch up to and vice versa... probably because there is no tryst or rather the mission is endured sans the soul. However, this is the state I am in and perhaps remain par contra. Something seems missing and something seems out of place; either its me or easier to blame the tryst or nevertheless-the absence of the trinity.

Long time ago a wise sage once told me that it would never be possible for a woman to reach godliness as their aspirations are grounded in a vain attempt to match Men who they wish to match upto; when Men on the other hand have nothing to compare themselves to and are on their path towards spirituality. Made sense as why at an older age, some Men rest in peace amidst aspiring, tantrum-throwing bourgeois women of their own age.

All that woman wants is wants. Want after want after another want... and all that a Man wants is a woman... and along comes with that package-the need to shoulder all her wants and cribbing and nagging till one want is fullfilled after the other.

Yesterday, somewhere around midnight, I was awakened by a sudden-unexpected visitor, one of my friends, who recently "fell in love" with one of the chicks around. This guy thought ('thought' being underlined and emphasized) that life was easy for him now once agin thinking that he found his soul mate atlast. As usual I was looking for that illusion to shatter. Often that nagging and 'where are you?', 'who are you with?', 'when will you be back?', 'why so long?', 'what are you doing?','why do you have a dog?', 'why can't you kill your mother?'... blah, blah, blah and blah, blah, blah... sort of nagging that every woman resorts to started and I knew the ditch near the bitch was near!

These crazy females can never learn to shut their mouth. Think they never taught them to do that in their planet. Maybe thats why they need to be fed with something all the time to keep their dirty, big, squandering, moth-infested, halitosis-spreading disgusting mouths shut.

Then suddenly when this guy came in, he had a long face. He came in with an SOS. This cranky slut had sent him an SMS giving him an idea that her image would be lost if anyone found her hanging out with him (this guy supposedly is an 'untouchable' so say the actual untouchables)... as if she didn't think about it before beginning her slut business. At the end of the day, he fell asleep thinking about her-disappointed and dejected. Poor guy I felt... the first death is painful and after a while, the ghost just gets used to dying too often.

Bottomline: "Can't kill a dead Man twice... can we?"

Chanting the Cry

There is something that I noticed recently. The reason to chant. There is this guy who introduces himself as someone who has a lot of influence with people and matters relating to religion. Though a good friend of mine whose feelings I do respect, personally, I do not contain myself in shackles of religion. However, there came a point when he tried to tell me something that he wanted me not to do and as usual, I did not quite appreciate someone who had the nerve to tell me what to do and what not to. So I had to ask him to mind his own business and let the decisions I need to make be mine. Saying that, I was carrying on with my work and suddenly I hear humming of some strange kind. This guy was sitting in his lotus position and chanting mantras! Duh! Was he trying to intimidate me? Or maybe wanted to remind me that he is somebody who realms in power everyone sees and very few oversee. Or could it be that he was trying to find his own space to come clear off that disturbed peace by walking off into his world of surreal fantasy?! However, I was trying to smile with these thoughts.

Then came a situation when we had to rush in to oversee the rescue attempt of a few labourers who got trapped in a landslide. Interestingly the situation was more complicated than we expected; to find that the landslide was more man-made than natural. This situation arose not due to negligence yet due to complete submission by the so called “engineers” who worked around a heap of loose mud to keep a tree intact and went about building a structure around it commissioned to do so by one of the unquestionable high priests from a religious pact. 2 died. Still more awaiting the same destiny… though none still can refute the foolishness of the structure. Is it the poverty of the victims that makes silencing their cry so easy?

The self-acclaimed and often accepted power of this religious clan makes me wonder if other’s life is so easy to be taken for granted and easily coverable under chants which many do not understand. These are unsaid stories that will remain unsaid. The victims of these overt thinkers who profess their world of fantasies which they proclaim capable of seeing so blatantly misguided and taken for a ride… which by the by, they seem to enjoy. So who cares?! Power does play its rounds so well.

Bottomline: This land where I live is a land where someone said “Even if thou reavelth thy third eye, thy mistake shall be a mistake”

Is There Something There?!

The Messiah of hope they call the one who brings forth the NEWS of hope, despair and cluttered mixture of joy and happiness. The Messiah they make, at times pushed to the spiritual realms of a mystery, a euphoria, an ecstasy and a charisma dispelling; as if foretold. The mortals deny the free flow of the intellect to shatter this deliberated elevation. At times its just that sheeps always need a shephard. Nevertheless, most foxes hide beneath a sheep's skin.

The vain attempt to hide a morbid fear, the depth of the unknown treaded upon; from the howling beast to the blinding mist, an image emerges to stir the soul of the deepest fears the dark beholds. The imagination running wild, the mind as deep and dense as the ocean, now clouded with interepted thoughts, contemplating the presence of something so metaphysical in such a surreal world.

The light shatters this mystery though so does truth. Yet when its the truth that is in question of being hidden what can immortals expect more?! Science realms till the point of defining the energy that runs the world and every flora and fauna that exists in it and not a point after that, clouding the word 'energy' itself into another cloud of mystery that the spiritual world interrupts to interpret in its own way. Religion thus capitalizing on it.

Foolish mongrels who stray like lost pigs in a dense cloud of rich sty, slaving their bodies to rush from one temple to another except within. The world revolves and revolves as it will yet the ones who expect it to revolve around them will make people believe that it sure does as long as the doors of the paradise of fools remains unshut with the traffic of the waiting crowd of seekers of destiny in freewill.

Bottomline: Religion is an opium of fools and everyone rushes in with pots full and minds empty

Chanting the Cry Away

There is something that I noticed recently. The reason to chant. There is this guy who introduces himself as someone who has a lot of influence with people and matters relating to religion. Though a good friend of mine whose feelings I do respect, personally, I do not contain myself in shackles of religion. However, there came a point when he tried to tell me something that he wanted me not to do and as usual, I did not quite appreciate someone who had the nerve to tell me what to do and what not to. So I had to ask him to mind his own business and let the decisions I need to make be mine. Saying that, I was carrying on with my work and suddenly I hear humming of some strange kind. This guy was sitting in his lotus position and chanting mantras! Duh! Was he trying to intimidate me? Or maybe wanted to remind me that he is somebody who realms in power everyone sees and very few oversee. Or could it be that he was trying to find his own space to come clear off that disturbed peace by walking off into his world of surreal fantasy?! However, I was trying to smile with these thoughts.
Then came a situation when we had to rush in to oversee the rescue attempt of a few labourers who got trapped in a landslide. Interestingly the situation was more complicated than we expected; to find that the landslide was more man-made than natural. This situation arose not due to negligence yet due to complete submission by the so called “engineers” who worked around a heap of loose mud to keep a tree intact and went about building a structure around it commissioned to do so by one of the unquestionable high priests from a religious pact. 2 died. Still more awaiting the same destiny… though noone still can refute the foolishness of the structure. Is it the poverty of the people that makes silencing their cry so easy?
The self-acclaimed and often accepted power of this religious clan makes me wonder if other’s life is so easy to be taken for granted and easily coverable under chants which many do not understand. These are unsaid stories that will remain unsaid. The victims of these overt thinkers who profess their world of fantasies which they proclaim capable of seeing so blatantly misguided and taken for a ride… which by the by, they seemed to enjoy. So who cares?! Power does play its rounds so well.

Bottomline: This land where I live is a land where someone said “Even if thou reavelth thy third eye, thy mistake shall be a mistake”

What is this life if full of care?

Hello! Know what? Life has its twists and turns yet there are moments when dead ends are often the point where one reaches no matter how many expected right turns one takes, no matter how many crossroads one gets to.

Life is interesting and at times i force myself to say those favourite words of mine... "Lifes Good!" someday without feeling so untrue.

However, yesterday there was a sudden change in my thoughts like a flick of a whip, a reality check. Do I really have time to waste on trivial issues of life? Are the things I don't have time for so trivial? What are trivial things and what are not?

Thinking of the reality check, I felt that some patterns just re-emerge and think a good bull must have learnt its lesson from one whip and I just want to not re-do the things that once I regreted. Seriously I do not want to take that guilt trip again nor do I want to wander in a lost land of no hope. Then why do I plunge? Thats a questions I often ask myself only after taking the plunge... bit too late to answer anyway.

Life has odd corners too with someone waiting for you. Once you get near, you know that it is only an illusion. How long does one chase shadows? Worth chasing? Worth wasting so much time? The answer is obvious yet we chase... yet we get lost... yet we wonder... yet we never stop.

Now what? Reality check. Is it really going to make sense? Is it going to help me with my logic? Or are these too big to let the heart take its own course? Heart, mind, body and soul-whats the difference? All a game of semantics I suppose.

Bottomline: Life is only a genetically passed disorder and death is hereditary

Visiting The Forsaken Territory

Its been a long time since I have written with anger. Today I am angry and now as I write this, I am angry. I am angry with too many and as I always, keep reminding myself that, “someone who angers you, conquers you” and today, now, I stand conquered and incomplete acceptance.

The kind of thing that one gets angry about is the essence, the killer, the vulnerability and I have not learnt yet to deal with it. The cause being the result of the effect, the conditional boxes trying to contain me again, yet again, is the cause.

What started since yesterday being told that I should score people less in the tests, followed with people telling me what clothes I look better in expecting to dress up for their expectation, followed by people trying to tell me what to speak and what not to and all that BULLSHIT… by now I am fed up and have learnt from the past that once you let someone tell you what to be, you lose yourself, your own being and this is something that I do not want to go through at the moment. Have traveled well enough and have taken these paths that appear before me and have hated these patterns, refuted it and have lived sans guilt for a long… quite happily, for a very long time since. I hate these conditional boxes and if people want me to fit into one, they might themselves fit into that filth without bothering me. I am complacent and I hate being checked upon. Now people try as they try with other mortals… forgetting the fact that I was neither born yesterday nor do I consider them anything more than nothing.

I hate it when someone tells me what to do. Once again I have always done what is said to be never done and have always quite confidently and deliberately rebelled to break these conditional boxes and now, this audacity by people to imply boxes around me?! Surprising! Quite surprising!

Who the hvjkadha are these creatures to disturb my peace? Wish this was the good old days in the wild wild west when momentary anger can be vented and justice met then and there. I am sure I would have taken a few down or atleast died than lose my liberty, than let people contain me in these conditional boxes. I hate these conditional boxes. It has taken me so many years to reach this stage of complacency. Managed to free myself from many strangling conflicts, so many decisions that had to be taken, so many rules that were broken, so many effortless decisions, so many thoughtless thoughts, so many rebellious encounters and so so much… yet they want me to lose all this? In moments?! Just like that?! What the lkjdap;f? This is not it. This is simply not it. I hate these conditional boxes.

Nothing has contained me and no one ever has nor ever will. Now then, why expect? Who the jhahfoa do they think they are to tell me what to do? Who the nhdfjosgosdjgl do they think they lkashflhqlkf are? Nothing. Nothing at all according to me. What makes them think that I care a rats arse about who the bloody ,dgfaf they are? I don’t. or do I? I really don’t. they can go and live their bloody miserable hajlhfdwq up life and I care less. Have I given them undue attention and importance that they feel that now they can pontificate? No. I seriously don’t respect humans. No not at all. If they think that I do, I am sorry, I have disappointed you and happy that I have. Agjdq you all!

Infact, I despise you all who live with one squinted eye bothered about the world supposedly watching you and another on your miserable self entitled to life long guilt trips. I think you live your ljahfa life and let me live mine and I don’t want to belong to your group. Why pull me in? Why even try? I hate these condition boxes and I don’t want to be there where you can take your already rotting arses and screw yourself there.

Bottomline: Never let people tell you how good you are as they soon have the power to tell you how bad you are too.

Now What If...

"How much is too much?" This used to be the question sans answer posed a long time ago and the drama still continues.

Yesterday, I was called by Dr. X in the Department and in an announcement meant to reach the entire Staff Room through me, it was told that I had erred by giving a full mark for a student in the class test.

According to the hypothesis, 'they need space for improvement by marking them less.'

There was a question once again thrown at me, if there was no place where I can reduce the marks. There wasn't. This kid had taken pains to write the Psychological and Psychiatric aspects of the concept, had presented it really well and there was simply no error. Actually, given a choice, I would have marked more. Yet I had to agree upon power thrown around that I will mark them less next time "Giving them the space for improvement" Duh!

Now what if people tell me whats the minimum marks I can give rather than tell me the maximum?

Now what if people leave the extent of the mark to be given to the discretion of the Lecturer and just keep their perspectives to themselves?

Now what if people learnt to pontificate less?

Now what if I still don't believe that someone has to be marked less just because I have the power to tell them that I can... because I can?

Now what if the students decide that marks cannot judge how good they are?

Now what if people try to figure a way to positively reinforce good work rather than highlight the not so positives all the time?

Now what if I still don't fall for this pressure and still decide for myself what is best even if I am not right?

Now what if the world learns to stop containing people within limits and give them space to grow?

Bottomline: Now what if... we recheck ourselves?!

Yet To Get A Tune

People are dying in temptation, shame and pain.
People are living for power, for revenge and selfish gain.
Love does not matter any more.
Tradition, culture and true passion-people bother no more.

What is this life?
What is this life?
Does no one ever see? What this is turning to be?

Countries go for war like a game.
Little children get killed with no name.
Love does not matter any more.
Concern, peace and care-people bother no more.

What is this life?
What is this life?
Does no one ever see? What this is turning to be?

We struggle in a world gone insane.
We live to struggle every day.
Love does not matter any more.
Children, family and friends-we bother no more.

What is this life?
What is this life?Does no one ever see? What this is turning to be?

The Traffic Signal

One day as I was driving past the traffic in the peak hours of the morning, I saw for fact that every human is rushing towards something only s/he knows and in a mindless effort to negotiate, cares so less for the other mortals taking the same path. So in the road, just as in the trip called life.

The rudimentary challenge that confronts my mind at this moment to get past this suburban drudgery is the chronic dissatisfaction that confronts all my efforts and makes it seem so fragile… is this bubble we live in so delicate? When do we have a story of our life worth having, carved on stone instead of these fading passages we tiringly try to write in the sands near the shore… nevertheless even stones disappear with constant dropping of tears don’t they?

Probably the emergence of this unpleasant and demanding vacuum devouring me which makes me frantically search for those little pleasures of life hidden and lying submerged in the unknown hues of a pleasant sky often when realized, comes from within. Probably we expect too much from outside to make us happy… or is it due to the bulging ambitious drive which oversees the stones one has to step on despite the flesh being torn, we seldom wait to frown as our eyes are lifted somewhere high on the mountains we wish to reach, our legs still walking on? At the end of the day, what the heck are we all walking for following the trails left behind by others in flocks hoping that this is the trail every lost soul takes?

The easiest path is to follow the footsteps of others I suppose… no wonder books sell so well. We second-hand creatures!

One more thing that I get to see are people in the verge of anxiety and with a rush of fear and hope to have everything under their control even those beyond, resort to superstitions. Those which make us pledge some elements responsible for the ways we screw up our lives or things around it.

These days I am so glad that I was present during one of the life changing sessions I had attended during my college days… the person who talked was a renowned and famous actor known for his criticism of religion. He said that if religion uses fear arising out of anxiety as a tool to imprison us in our own self acclaimed prison and thrives on the revenue thus expected to exculpate us, then who needs such a religion which brings forth such superstitions for its own promotion?

By renouncing religion, we save ourselves from this complacency of surviving on such superstitions. What one has to deal with and carefully uproot is the fear and anxiety that lies beneath deep rooted, instead of trying to chip out branches or apply makeup to an unhealing wound.

Bottomline:
If I were to put it in a pure language of Economics, ‘An uneven distribution of my soul sans a tryst between my heart and mind in the perfect market situation bothered by countless thoughtless thoughts.’ Just like every intellect questioning in remorse at the end of the day the knowledge which corrupts and the second-hand learnings and thoughts without which he would have been better off… those signs of learning that got him labeled eccentric which he can’t deny… and he still thinks in borrowed conceptions and perceptions to understand his hunger and evoke his own thoughts. Still thinking… Now what?