Change The Calendar

Resolutions have always been a part of the traditional way to begin a new year. So many resolutions and so many regrets at the end of the year for broken promises... just like the guilt trips we take in life itself. Promises! like marriage itself is and experience... some manage to keep and for others it is only an experience... slightly empty.

However, there is one resolution that I take year after year after year and that is to not change one bit. Too complacent I suppose. If thats the way to be that way be it. Period!

Yesterday I just sent across one paper presented in Gujarat for publishing after it got selected for the same and I was happy that a paper got presented and later published at the international circuit... however, then pops 3 reminders for 3 more papers to be done. Arun needs his modules and she needs her research outline... all these elementary yet when you are obsessed with perfection every little thing takes time. Its like eating out at a fast food and choosing fine dining... the difference being 'class'.

o.k now I have to go to the beach house... supposed to be a family get together at the beach. Maybe I can get my workout there... oh! was that a secret resolution?!

Bottomline: Every new year one celebrates, be it a birthday or the change of a calendar, is just a reminder that one is moving a step closer to the grave.

Again?!

Tomorrow I am going about doing what I promised myself I would never do... one more thing, one more time and one more broken promise to myself. Why is it that I do not respect the promises I make to myself as much as I respect the promises I make others?! Duh! O.K... I am doing the road trip again... the trip that brought forth the deadliest hours of loneliness in the 24hr straight drive last time I drove from k.k to this magnificiently transcluent, carbon- free, pests-infested abode of mine.

This time it bothers me as I am going to my place for a long time. Almost 20 days to be precise and it fucking bothers me. Can't be in that place for more than 3 days and will I survive the thresh?! Already I have plans to be everywhere and attempt thus to be nowhere and I am all messed up and just want to ride all this distance... actually I am getting the road maps. It took me 24hours last time and this time I want to make it in 14. Its a mental challenge yet want to try.

The roads are long and it will be dark when I would be even half way through and honestly... I do not know the route and at night who the fuck is going to be up to show me directions?! yet it move... will move. Arun's Vantage is to be inauguarated and he wants me there... just got the invitation. Didn't like the logo that much as its got a nike symbol in the 't' and it made me feel a little villagish... however, nike is a Greek God for victory and I digested the disbelief thus.

It was nice of him to call his Grandmother to light the lamp and he has some how managed to get all the big shots in. Pretty good! However, I miss Marcus and I want to spend some time with him. There are people I want to meet... only for a while and many I don't want to come across. God give me the strength to bear them or legalize killing...

Bottomline: Wish someone was besides...

The Turmoil of Truth

Education hardly solves any issue... infact it only doubles it. Often we learn that somethings are supposed to work in a particular way and if doesn't, there is another theory to explain why it didn't. Unlearning is mastery of a paradox; an unlimited scope to revisit and reflect upon experience.

The strangest myths are often unpredictably broken by silence when an erupting soul refuses to accept lies that hovers over the surface refusing to let it emerge. The mythically plundering soul however, rests sleeplessly between the unknown faith lying helplessly, brooding over an illusion of clouded reality and truth-which is always lies told the way you wish others to know... from all these emerges the thought of breaking free. Breaking free for once. Breaking free from fake unrealities and misguiding principles that entwine over morale and values conveniently twisted. Breaking free for once before we die.

What is the truth we hold? What are the lies we dispell? What is the genuiness of the justice mystified? What is the need for all the pomp and luxury?

This is when class steps in to show that most of the complications can be done away with if and only if the desire to manifest the self surrounded with objects unknown to show the difference can be negated by adopting to nothingness and live sans difficulty, with ease as if nothing is required... nothingness completes and that is the beginning and so is the end. The turmoil of loss is managed more by class than by experience.

Bottomline: “Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”-Buddha

Whats Happening?!...

There has always been emerging conflicts that have shaken me at the roots... however, the recent one faced unlike any other time, involves too many people and along comes the emotions they carry, they only know.

The most interesting things in life is not the picture of a completed kiss yet a kiss that is yet to touch the lover's lips... the tension of the connection and the pandora's box that opens around it contemplating the impossibilities that surround it as well.

How ruining situations around us can be! Duh! Life is sometimes too strenuous to live on the ground. The 6-feet-down under seems more inviting. At times just perishing sans trace is more welcoming too. The perfect death seems too boring at the moment... there can be no better way to die than die like it was an endeavour worth looking forward too.

Thanatos is a drive that makes people accomplish something and that drive seems to be driving me at the moment. The eros is blatant... even eros seems to be crowded by thanatos. Feel like playing the Rudra Veena with every vein splurging out the blood in its deepest red... drip by drip dripping the blood, slitting the veins, splitting the nerves and splashing and giving around all the skin, all the flesh and all the blood the world wants to suck out of you... for them to splurge... let them splurge. There is nothing they can take when it is all that I want and have to give...

The eventful match, the unexpected twists and the acknowledged turns... the mythical mysteries nothing too profound yet the vulnerability of the soul too often optimized for the profit of others than my very own. Its ideal to give in to the temptation of others that need to be fulfilled rather than have a dream of my very own. Dreams are too expensive just as anger is a luxury... the dreamer rests and anger triumphs again... yet again... this time more subtle and coiling for the strike than for pensive solace.

Bottomline: Truth be it that I am offended...

Turn After Turn

Things are taking an interesting turn during the recent past that can be written in to the most beautiful book that often emerges out of the author's grave. Assault to my soul and the need for sublime acceptance of whats happening and keeping them all under subtle cover, hiding beneath a turmoil of self-rendered torture... know what,... I can keep going on like a writer in full swing yet I chose to retain my calm and maintain that highly beneficial silence at the moment for the best interest of all; lest i sway.

Can kill a Man only once... right? Can't kill a dead Man over and over again... right? Then if I may ask, 'if Lord it is not mine and was never meant to be, then why and from where this desire?...'

Somehow, the way of punishing is so different in the hands of the good God above. It just not scars the mind yet also kills the soul. This is even harder when you have to live to see yourself die.

Bottomline: However, life is such and such is life... so be it...